MUSINGS

loving the impossible, a diary. The water is too hot, I always do this, I always make the water too hot. This is my morning ritual, shower then turn the faucet to the tub, relief stress salts( they only melt in water that's too hot, otherwise they lie on the bottom of the tub and feel like tiny fragments of sand) then I ease myself down slowly into the too hot water for a long soak and to finish my favorite novel of the moment. But today it's different, just two weeks ago, I thought, I sat here with tears streaming down my face. What did I do to deserve this? But love him and be there, always unconditionally. No goodbye, just the emptiness, left behind with no goodbye. After six years of what? A relationship? I don't know... A lot of time, a lot of love, and then no goodbye. But today, I'm back. My mind is sharp as a tack, analytical, logical, resourceful, I am back. With one exception. I will never, ever give my heart away again. Time is too short and love is too painful. You go to all the love-sick movies, you listen to all the music about love lost, found, on, and on infinitem. But you never find out what's the point? Why do some get lucky? Or are they lucky really? Love, it takes a lot of work a lot of feelings hurt and put aside, I knew from the start it wasn't going to be permanent. That's why I lied about my age. What difference would that make, we were never going to be together. It was impossible from the very beginning. Although in the deep recesses of my heart and mind I secretly wanted it to be possible.